The Beginning

It’s been a long, tough day.  We’ve really had some issues with Sarah lately and things went from bad to worse today.  This morning, she threatened to kill herself and grabbed a steak knife in the kitchen.  We put her in the mental hospital today, for her safety.

Things have been piling up on her for a few months or so.  She’s always had a difficult time coping with things, as you well know.  We’ll go back to September—when we went to Disney, she developed a crush on my boss’s son (a year younger than her).  Unfortunately, he only wanted to be friends, which makes sense, since he lives in Texas and we live in West Virginia.  She seemed to be taking it ok, but then after we returned home, I discovered how devastated she was.  Poor thing is 15 and just wants a boyfriend so badly!  Josh was nice to her, so she took that as him liking her (as more than friends).  I thought we had worked through that, but things about it still come up occasionally.

Back around Thanksgiving, Sarah started complaining of stomachaches.  We had recently upped her Prozac, and I wondered it that had something to do with it.  Then, one day, she went up to her room upset and said she was sad and would never be happy again and refused to leave her room.  After I talked with her for about 20 minutes or so, never getting an answer from her about why she was so sad, she suddenly got up, left her room, went downstairs, walked out the front door, walked down the street and around the corner!  I yelled to her to come back, but she didn’t.  I ran in the house and got Alan and he jumped in the car and followed her.  He got her in the car and they went and drove around and talked for a while.  She came back, went back up to her room, and then came back down about 15 minutes later, happy, as though nothing had happened???  I decided right then to take her off of the Prozac.  Probably shouldn’t have done it cold-turkey, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

She seemed to do really well after that, and was in a much better mood.  Her psychiatrist was encouraged by this and took her off another of her medications, since it was a low dose.  He wanted to see how she would do without it.  We were excited, because she wasn’t on as much medicine and seemed to be doing really well.  Except for her stomachache—it never really seemed to go away.  It didn’t last all day, but was a come-and-go thing.  I took her to the pediatrician about it, and he suggested we try some Prilosec for a month or so, to see if it would help.  Unfortunately, it didn’t.  So, he prescribed another medication, which she has been taking for a couple of weeks now.  I’m not sure if the new medicine is working or not, because she came down with a bad cold.

Hence, the last few days.  Phew!  Sarah is not good at being sick!  She has complained a few times about her stomach hurting and said maybe she should kill herself and put herself out of her misery.  We’ve gotten after her several times, and told her that saying something like that could put her in the hospital, because we never know if she’s telling the truth or not (us and her psychologist and psychiatrist).  Being sick from this horrible cold has made her miserable!  Poor thing has just been feeling horrible!  Runny, stuffy nose; cough; sore throat  L

Saturday night, she took a shower and was trying to brush her hair (which has gotten quite long, BTW); it was full of tangles  L  This made her really mad.  I came up to try to help, and we ended up in a long discussion about her thinking that she didn’t deserve to live (because of several “bad” things that she has done) and that she was going to go to hell because of all these bad things she had done.  Alan and I reassured her that she didn’t go to heaven or hell b/c of the good or bad things she’s done, but could go to heaven by simply believing that Jesus had died on the cross for her sins.  She didn’t pray then, but did seriously consider what we told her.  We also had some discussion then about my brother passing away--why did he have to die, why couldn't anyone help him, why can't he come back, I miss him.  I know that somewhere in there, too, are the feelings that she harbors from people in the past and present who tease her, make fun of her, etc, as well as wishing she had more friends.  Because of all this, she got to bed really late, and then woke up at around 6am coughing, so I let her stay home from church that morning and sleep.  She seemed ok that afternoon, a bit of a runny nose and still tired, but ok.  She started feeling bad again Monday night, and made the comment that she should just put herself out misery and kill herself.  We tried not to make a serious deal about it and tried to cheer her up.

This morning, she woke up feeling horrible!  Congested cough, runny nose….just yucky!  She woke up yelling and crying (the way we all wish we could if we feel really bad) and then said she was just going to kill herself, so she didn’t have to deal with being sick anymore.  She walked into the kitchen, grabbed one of my steak knives, and told me, “you better not take it away from me!”  I did anyways.  I calmed her down and promised her I would get her some stronger medicine for her cough.  I had Allison come down and keep an eye on Sarah while I ran to the store for Sarah’s medicine (I grabbed all the sharp knives and hid them in the garage before I left).  She was much better, emotion-wise, by this time.  Back to her normal, happy self.

However, we had a psychologist appt. scheduled for 1pm today.  I had to tell her what had happened.  She and the psychiatrist (and I) knew it was time to hospitalize Sarah.  I knew it was coming.  It was a necessary thing.  She cried and cried, telling us she was sorry, she promised she wouldn’t do it again, etc., but I know that as soon as we got home and something “bad” happened, it could happen again, and I may not be lucky enough to stop her.  Maybe she wouldn’t really do it, but I didn’t want to find out. 

This has been one of the hardest days of my life.  I know it was the right thing to do, though.  I want my baby to get better.  I want her to be safe.  I want her to be ok.  I want her to be with us to see us grow old.

Please keep her and us in your prayers as we enter this time of healing for all of us.  She is hopefully going to be back home with us within a week.  I know this is going to be a long road, though.  We do get to go visit her every day, as long as she is staying with the program.  They are teaching her how to better cope with life’s difficulties and stresses.  Pray for Allison, too—this is a long time to be without her sister—they’ve never been apart for more than a night.  Unfortunately, Allison is not old enough to go visit Sarah, unless we can get special permission.

Sorry this is so long—I wish I could say all of this in person or over the phone, but I am too emotionally drained to tell the story out loud again right now.  I know you’ll be praying with and for us!