Day 3

I slept well last night.  Called this morning to check on Sarah.  They said she slept well, as far as they know, and is doing pretty good this morning.  The man I spoke to was concerned that Sarah may be having issues with an active imagination b/c she told him her dad was in The Wizard of Oz.  I reassured him that no, Sarah wasn't making that up, her dad really was in The Wizard of Oz, and that Sarah had been in several shows, as well.  I asked if they were giving her anything for her cold, but he said he didn't think they were  :(  I again told them that problems from the cold (her feeling so bad) were what put her in there.  I'll check at her meeting this afternoon to see what can be done about the cold/allergies.  Brian called this morning finally--all he did was ask for the names of her psychiatrist and therapist, so he could set up Sarah's next appointment.  I wish we knew more about what is going on...hopefully we'll find out more this afternoon at the meeting.  Allison is going to go hang out with Abbie this afternoon after school, so Alan and I can go the meeting and then go visit with Sarah this evening.  She's excited about that!  Gotta run to Walmart soon, so I can try to find Sarah a bra and maybe some sweat pants???  Maybe a t-shirt.  I didn't want to take any of her nice shirts, for fear of them not making it home.  Wow!  Tough to buy your daughter sweat pants and a bra when she's not with you  ;)

Wow.  May not need to go to Walmart after all.  Dr. Devaraj just called a bit ago and thinks it would be in Sarah's best interest to discharge her.  He thinks she's be better served by finishing up her treatment as outpatient and getting her back in her dance classes.  He is concerned about the influence of the other patients' issues on Sarah, such as her roommate who has been cutting--definitely NOT a behavior we want her to emulate!  He asked me how we thought she was doing--"We've only seen her for an hour; I'm not sure I can make an assessment from that amount of time."  He told me we could see how we think she is doing when we come this afternoon--if we think she needs to stay, they can keep her for a couple more days.  So, hmmm...wow.  Not sure what to think.  I really want her back home, but only if she's in a better frame of mind.  I want to make sure she's ok.  I don't want a repeat performance of Tuesday morning.  Now, to work on the house a bit and get a schedule of some sort together--as Alan said, we don't want her to go from a strict schedule at the hospital to a "loosy goosy" schedule here at home.  I definitely need more structure here!

So, Sarah is back home with us tonight!  Went to our meeting at the hospital today, and got to speak with Dr. Devaraj and Gina L.  Dr. D. feels like she is out of the "danger zone" and doesn't think she's going to do anything now.  He was concerned with keeping her there, due to the influence of the other patients and he felt like being in the hospital was making her more anxious.  He did warn her, however, that if she got home and tried anything else, she would be back in the hospital, for an extended period of time--most likely for longer than a week.  Gina then spent a lot of time going over different coping mechanisms with Sarah.  She had Sarah tell her different ideas of things she could do--things she had learned about while she was at Highland.  I then showed Gina the schedule I had made up for tomorrow, to see how she thought it looked and see if she thought it was a good idea.  We also went over it with Sarah, to see if it seemed reasonable to her.  Sarah thought it was ok.  I also showed Gina the New House Rules I came up with and we went over those with Sarah, too.  Hoping that they will help keep things under control.   We then went out in the hallway, so we could work on getting her discharged.  Sarah introduced me to her roommate Sarah and a couple of other people (I remember the name Chase, but that's all I remember).  Everyone was polite.  I got teary....even though she was only there a short time, she had made some "friends" with the staff and patients--I hate goodbyes!  Of course, the staff was concerned that I was teary and wanted to make sure I was ok.  I reassured them I was, that I just cry easily.  Sometimes I really hate that about myself!  I then took care of Sarah's discharge papers while she got all her stuff packed up.  I was able to keep myself under control while we said goodbye and thank you, and then left that world.  Got back on the elevator and were escorted to the lobby to leave.  It felt really strange walking to the car with Sarah, almost surreal.  Not sure why.  While I'm glad to have her back, I'm scared.  I'm waiting for her to go back to where she was before she was admitted.  I don't want to go back there.  I am a stronger person now, though, and if there is a problem, I will take her back, because I know she needs help that I can't give her.

Sarah and I left and went back to Cross Lanes.  We talked in the car about her stay.  Talked about the other patients.  Talked about things that had happened there.  Talked about our expectations for her.  Reminded her that things at home have to change.  It was a good conversation.

We had to go to Kroger when we got to Cross Lanes, so I could get her new prescription filled and get something for dinner--her choice--Outback noodles.  We had about a 20 minute wait for her prescription, so we just kind of wandered around the store together.  It was still very surreal.  We just walked around and looked at things.  We got some candy for Allison--Sarah wanted to get it for her.  She enjoyed looking at the Valentine's "stuff"--Valentines, candy, toys, etc.  Kind of like being with a child.  Very innocent.   Very sweet.  Shy, in a way, as though everything was new to her.  We then went and rented "Hotel Transylvania" on Redbox (she had asked about it when we were walking towards the store, but I told her we'd have to wait till after we did what we needed to in the store).  Then, we went home.

Allison still didn't know that Sarah had gotten to come home, so we decided to surprise her.  I called Jamie and had him send Allison home.  I got my phone out, so I could videotape her seeing Sarah when she walked in the house.  I didn't get the reaction I was hoping for (excitement, joy)...she was really confused as to why Sarah was home, when it was supposed to take 5-7 days before she came home.  She was glad to see her, though  :)  And, she loved the candy Sarah had gotten her!  Of course, I had to take a picture of them together!

They each did their own thing for a bit, while I got the kitchen cleaned up, so I could fix dinner.  Sarah went and laid on the couch in the den and watched tv, while Allison watched a show on the computer in the office.  I also had Sarah empty out her backpack and put everything away.  She did it without complaining or arguing.  This is strange.  Something I'm really not used to.  It's like I brought home a different child, but she is still Sarah.  It's strange.  She seems almost fragile.

Sarah then asked if she could watch her movie.  I told her to go ahead and start watching it without me.  I asked Allison if she wanted to go watch it with her (even though she just saw it with Abigail).  After a few minutes, she went and joined Sarah in the den and they watched the movie together.  It was nice to hear them both in there laughing at the movie.  They sat in there and watched the movie and ate dinner together.  Nice.  When the movie was over, Sarah asked if I wanted to come watch it with her now.  Unfortunately, I told her, the movie was too long to sit and watch the whole thing again.  She was a little disappointed, but she was ok with it.  She decided to go on up to her room and lay on her bed, relax, and play her DS.  I went up and checked on her, to make sure she was doing ok.  Talked to her a bit and asked her if she was glad to be home.  She said she was.  I told her I loved her and had missed her being here, and she said she loved me, too, and had missed me.  When I asked her why she had missed me, she told me it was because it was scary there and the bed wasn't very comfortable.  :)  I asked her if she needed anything, but she said she was ok.  Her cold was bothering her a little, but she didn't want any kind of medicine for it.  I went back downstairs to work on her laundry.  When I went back to check on her a little later, she was sleeping peacefully.  So nice to see.  I pray that the peace continues for a very long time, both sleeping and waking!

I want her to be ok.  I want to believe she's going to be ok.  Right now, though, it's hard.  It's so hard to have seen your daughter at a point where she's holding a knife in her hand, thinking things are bad enough to kill herself.  Even if she wasn't serious about it, and who knows if she was or wasn't, it's still a scary thing.  I pray that I can sleep tonight, but don't know if I can or not.  I We have a long, unknown future ahead of me us.  That's a scary thought.  What will tomorrow hold?  Will she be ok all day?  Will she be herself?  Is she going to meltdown on me?  Get angry?  Cry?  Will I cry?  Probably.  I have cried many tears for these 3 days...3 very long days...I am sure there are going to be many more.  I feel like I'm living on borrowed time with her right now.  I pray that she'll be here for many, many more years with us, though.  I have to hope and believe that healing will come.

Day 2

Got a phone call from the hospital this morning--they said the doctor, Dr. Deveraj (?) wanted to put Sarah on Lexapro and needed my approval.  I told them, if the doctor thinks that's what she needs to be on, then go ahead and do it.  Silly me, though, forgot to ask how Sarah did overnight.  So, I called back and asked how she did (talked to the same person I had hung up with a bit earlier)--she slept all night--hallelujah!  I was so afraid she would have nightmares and get scared!  Phew!  Then, I got Sarah's school stuff together for Alan to take down to the hospital for her.  Got a sweet email from Christy S.--I had emailed her last night to tell her what was going on.  She then sent another email a bit later saying she felt like she needed to come up and be with me this weekend.  I told her I didn't know if it was necessary--even though all this is going on, life marches on, and ours is supposed to be busy this weekend.  I told her I'd leave it up to her and we could talk about it on the phone later in the afternoon.

Later, as I was getting ready to leave to go to the orthodontist (for the appt I missed yesterday), Gina called to set up a time for our first Family Meeting.  I suggested 2:00, trying to think of what Alan had going on.  He has a meeting, but it should be over by 12.  Also, while I was in the shower before I left, Ben called and left a message for me to call him back about Sarah's discharge procedures and post-psychiatric care.  I called him back while I was on my way to the orthodontist, but he couldn't talk then.  No problem--I was just calling to tell him I couldn't talk right now, either, and that I would call him after I got home.  I called a couple of times and left a message, but didn't hear back from him--hopefully, he'll call back tomorrow (ok, today, since it IS 2am now...sigh).  Then, I started thinking, why did I schedule Family Meeting time for 2?  We can't go see Sarah until 6.  So, called Gina back to try to reschedule.  I finally got her back on the phone this evening after I left the hospital. Changed the meeting to 4pm  :)

Once I left the orthodontist (in the pouring down rain!), Allison and I ran to Staples to pick up a couple of things, then went to the Dollar Store to look for a calendar for my door organizer.  No luck on the calendar, but we did find a teddy bear that she wanted to get for Sarah...awww!!!  (Got one for Allison, too--only $1!)  Then, I took Allison to the Asian Buffet for lunch--I felt like she deserved a special treat for being so mature about everything that is happening.  Unfortunately, I wasn't much of a conversationalist at lunch--I just had too much on my mind with Sarah.  Lunch was pretty good, but we decided we like Hibachi better  ;)  

After lunch, we went back out in the pouring down rain.  Was going to go to Walmart to look for a few things, clothes-wise, to take to Sarah at the hospital, but wanted to get home to call Christy and LeAnn, who had heard from Alan a little bit about what was going on.  Had an awesome conversation with both Christy and LeAnn--I'm so blessed with such wonderful friends!!!  Thank you, Lord!!!  Got a bit of work done during this time, too, then it was almost time to take Allison to dance....oh, wait!  I almost forgot!  Sarah's clothes for the hospital!  I ran upstairs...then back downstairs, so I could run the dryer some more...then back upstairs, to pack some things for her.  Hmmm...most of her clothes either wouldn't work, due to hospital regulations on clothes, or were nice enough that I didn't want to take them to the hospital, for fear of not seeing them again.  Hmmm...take Allison to dance, then run to Gabe's or KMart to see if they have anything I could take to her.

Off to dance.  Dropped Allison off (15 minutes late!).  Yikes!  Not much time for clothes shopping!  I decided to hit KMart, rather than Gabe's, simply b/c Gabe's is so large, it takes a long time to find what you want there...I didn't have time!  Ran to KMart, just down the street.  Mom called while I was there, and I talked to her while I shopped--she had called and told Kathy and Nicole what was going on.  Left KMart a few minutes later, empty-handed.  Hung up with Mom, so I could get to the hospital...it was almost 6:00, and I didn't want to be late!

When I came into the hospital, of course, I had to go to the bathroom.  Then, I went to the desk and asked about the procedure.  The lady said she recognized me and knew who I was, but they had to have Sarah's ID #--protocol.  Fortunately, I had put it in my phone, so I wouldn't lose it.  They weren't quite ready to take the "visitors" upstairs when I arrived (the kids weren't back on the floor from dinner), but we went up a few minutes later.  I was anxious to see how Sarah would be when I got there.  Once I had turned in her suitcase for approval, I signed in and waited for her to be brought out.  She came out a minute later with a smile on her face and came over and hugged me!  I just didn't know what her reaction was going to be--would she be angry with me for putting her there?  Would she cry and beg me to take her home?  Would she be ok?  SO glad for the great reaction!  She then took me to her room, as though she'd been there for a long time.  As we walked past a couple of girls, she spoke to them by name--she had met people!  Yesterday, she had told me she didn't like meeting new people, so I told her not to introduce herself to anyone.  What else do you say?  So glad that she had met people!  She also had a roommate, whose name is also Sarah!  My Sarah told me that her roommates birthday is this Saturday and that she (her roommate) was sad she would be in the hospital over her birthday, especially since she was supposed to go to NY for her birthday  :(  My Sarah said she wished she could bring cupcakes to Sarah for her birthday (no food allowed, unfortunately).  I told her that maybe she could sing Happy Birthday to her.  Sarah said she didn't know if she would still be there to do that--she thinks she may get to go home on Friday; she told the doctor that she has a ballet rehearsal on Saturday that she needs to go to.  She then showed me the drawing that her roommate did on the wall--one wall has chalkboard paint on it--very cool!  I stepped out to check on something that I had brought to Sarah and Alan had arrived.  Sarah took us both back to her room.  Oh, yes, her bed was now made--I had her make it (I know it's supposed to be made)--she said it was unmade b/c she had been resting in her bed a bit ago  ;)

Alan brought in a card from Darlene and a card from himself, and I got the cards out of her suitcase from her ballet class and from Allison.  They had to take Allison's off the bracelet it was hanging on (policy).  Unfortunately, she couldn't keep the stuffed bear that Allison sent--no stuffed animals on Level 1.  Sarah sat all of her cards neatly on the table by her bed after reading them (the nurse had to check them to make sure they were all appropriate).  We then talked about her day (and the night before)--she was up a lot during the night, blowing her nose, which kept her roommate awake (kind of).  She and her roommate were both awake around 6am and Sarah said she even saw some of the sunrise out her window.  Apparently, someone came and took blood from her this morning, too, which, of course, almost made her sick (she does NOT do well with this).  Then a man (don't remember his name) came around and woke everyone up at 7:45am!  I know she was hating this!  She went to breakfast with everyone, but didn't like what they were having (scrambled eggs w/ cheese baked on top)--she had toast.  At some point today, she also had a couple pieces of bread and some Mandarin oranges.  Well, at least she's eating a little bit!  Other activities she told us she did--school (she didn't get to do the work I sent; the teacher didn't realize it was there); recreation (she watched others play pool); arts & crafts (she didn't make anything--she was getting ready to and someone came and got her to talk to her--Gina???); group therapy, where they had to tell everyone why they were there (very proud of her for being able to vocalize her actions); she talked to her doctor; she talked to Gina; her new medicine; she spent some time just hanging out in her room doing nothing; she's read her paperwork twice; and I guess she rested some, too (I know she did--when I called to check on her this morning, the nurse told me she was resting).  The nurse brought in the clothes that Sarah could keep there--a few of the things I brought were not approved, so I need to hit Walmart tomorrow for a couple of things--no underwire bras, no yoga pants (Sarah's favorite thing to wear!).  Sarah told us she wants to go home, so she can sleep in her own bed, with her own pillow (I can't bring her pillow to her), but we reminded her that she can't come home until she's all better--she seemed to understand.  Alan brought along some cards, in case she wanted to play cards, but she didn't feel like it.  I also tried to put her earrings back in her ears, to see if the holes had closed up--sadly, they already had  :(  I'll keep the earrings and hopefully, the pediatrician will put them back in and not charge me full price.  I also checked with the nurses to see if they were giving her or could give her something for her cold, especially when it is what put her in the hospital!  They talked about possibilites--I hope they figured out something to give her, so she can sleep better tonight!  We sat and chit-chatted for the rest of the time.  I was able to get a picture of her--I decided to do it b/c she was sitting there smiling--so glad to see her happy!  I'll have to try to load the picture in later  ;)  All too soon, it was 7:00, time for us to go.  Sarah hugged and kissed us good-bye.  I was very proud of myself for not crying!  We rolled out her suitcase with us, with the "inappropriate" items inside.  I'll try to bring the stuffed animals back again, in case they let her have them  ;)

As soon as I got to the car, Gina called--we were able to reschedule tomorrow's appt for 4pm, instead of 2, which means I won't have to stay in Kanawha City for as long betweeen her appt and visiting hours.  :)  Then, went back to dance studio to pick up Allison and tell Kristen and Kara what was going on.  I also decided to tell Grace W-M, since she and Sarah are best friends and don't like to keep secrets from each other.  I was so glad I had taken the picture of Sarah, b/c I was able to show Grace that Sarah is doing ok  :)  Also talked to Susan W-M about everything and felt even better after all her reassurances.  Before we left the dance studio, Sarah called me.  She hadn't thought she could make a phone call, since she is on Level 1, but the nurse said she can, that these poor kids come in, are told all that they can't do b/c they're on Level 1, and they don't think they can do anything.  She said she would let Sarah know she could make a phone call. Anyways, she called--actually, "Brenda" called and said she had Sarah there, who wanted to talk to me, so I accepted the call.  She says, "Hey, can you bring my black makeup bag with all my makeup when you come back?"  Glad it was something normal she said when she called!  I asked her which makeup she wanted (I know they won't let me bring in that huge bag w/ a mirror on it) and she said all of it.  I'll figure out something else to put it in ;)  I asked her if she wanted to talk to Allison, but she said, "No."  When I asked her why, she said, "It'll make me cry."  Awww, she does love and miss her sister!  Knowing that Allison wanted to talk to her, I told Sarah, "No, you won't cry, you'll be fine.  Just say Hi to her."  She agreed and I called Allison over.  They chatted for a couple of minutes--Allison asked her if she was ok and if she was having fun.  Then she gave the phone back to me, so I could make sure Sarah didn't need anything else, and make sure she wasn't crying (she wasn't, thank goodness!).  Said I'd see her tomorrow and I missed her and love her.  Also told her that Grace W-M said Hi and that she misses her--that made Sarah feel good  ("awww!").  Said good-bye again and love you; she said I love you, too.

We left, picked up McD's for Allison, and went home to finish the evening.  The late night ended with a session with Allison discussing all of her fears and worries in life...phew!  My poor baby!  The thoughts the poor child has!  Say an extra prayer for her, too!  She's always been my worry wart  :(

My thoughts on the day--another exhausting emotional day.  I've cried a lot of tears today, but most of them have not been about Sarah--I know she's where she belongs!  We pray that this helps her to make some really positive changes in her life!  The tears I've cried today have been shed because of all the people who have told me they are praying for me, for Sarah, for my family, reassuring us that we've made the right decision; that Christy was willing to come here to be with me; that my friends care about us so much.  Tonight, I feel no fear or apprehension about Sarah--I know it's because of all the prayers that have been sent up for all of us!  I know, 100%, that I made the right decision when we had her admitted to the hospital, as hard as it was to do.  I pray that this hospital stay will make her a more confident person, help her to have better coping skills, give her a desire to better herself, and help her realize how loved she is and how wrong it would be to end her life.  With that, I will sign off here, now that it's 3:15am--WAY past time for bed!!!  I know I will be able to go to bed and sleep peacefully...we're covered in prayer and love!

The Beginning

It’s been a long, tough day.  We’ve really had some issues with Sarah lately and things went from bad to worse today.  This morning, she threatened to kill herself and grabbed a steak knife in the kitchen.  We put her in the mental hospital today, for her safety.

Things have been piling up on her for a few months or so.  She’s always had a difficult time coping with things, as you well know.  We’ll go back to September—when we went to Disney, she developed a crush on my boss’s son (a year younger than her).  Unfortunately, he only wanted to be friends, which makes sense, since he lives in Texas and we live in West Virginia.  She seemed to be taking it ok, but then after we returned home, I discovered how devastated she was.  Poor thing is 15 and just wants a boyfriend so badly!  Josh was nice to her, so she took that as him liking her (as more than friends).  I thought we had worked through that, but things about it still come up occasionally.

Back around Thanksgiving, Sarah started complaining of stomachaches.  We had recently upped her Prozac, and I wondered it that had something to do with it.  Then, one day, she went up to her room upset and said she was sad and would never be happy again and refused to leave her room.  After I talked with her for about 20 minutes or so, never getting an answer from her about why she was so sad, she suddenly got up, left her room, went downstairs, walked out the front door, walked down the street and around the corner!  I yelled to her to come back, but she didn’t.  I ran in the house and got Alan and he jumped in the car and followed her.  He got her in the car and they went and drove around and talked for a while.  She came back, went back up to her room, and then came back down about 15 minutes later, happy, as though nothing had happened???  I decided right then to take her off of the Prozac.  Probably shouldn’t have done it cold-turkey, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

She seemed to do really well after that, and was in a much better mood.  Her psychiatrist was encouraged by this and took her off another of her medications, since it was a low dose.  He wanted to see how she would do without it.  We were excited, because she wasn’t on as much medicine and seemed to be doing really well.  Except for her stomachache—it never really seemed to go away.  It didn’t last all day, but was a come-and-go thing.  I took her to the pediatrician about it, and he suggested we try some Prilosec for a month or so, to see if it would help.  Unfortunately, it didn’t.  So, he prescribed another medication, which she has been taking for a couple of weeks now.  I’m not sure if the new medicine is working or not, because she came down with a bad cold.

Hence, the last few days.  Phew!  Sarah is not good at being sick!  She has complained a few times about her stomach hurting and said maybe she should kill herself and put herself out of her misery.  We’ve gotten after her several times, and told her that saying something like that could put her in the hospital, because we never know if she’s telling the truth or not (us and her psychologist and psychiatrist).  Being sick from this horrible cold has made her miserable!  Poor thing has just been feeling horrible!  Runny, stuffy nose; cough; sore throat  L

Saturday night, she took a shower and was trying to brush her hair (which has gotten quite long, BTW); it was full of tangles  L  This made her really mad.  I came up to try to help, and we ended up in a long discussion about her thinking that she didn’t deserve to live (because of several “bad” things that she has done) and that she was going to go to hell because of all these bad things she had done.  Alan and I reassured her that she didn’t go to heaven or hell b/c of the good or bad things she’s done, but could go to heaven by simply believing that Jesus had died on the cross for her sins.  She didn’t pray then, but did seriously consider what we told her.  We also had some discussion then about my brother passing away--why did he have to die, why couldn't anyone help him, why can't he come back, I miss him.  I know that somewhere in there, too, are the feelings that she harbors from people in the past and present who tease her, make fun of her, etc, as well as wishing she had more friends.  Because of all this, she got to bed really late, and then woke up at around 6am coughing, so I let her stay home from church that morning and sleep.  She seemed ok that afternoon, a bit of a runny nose and still tired, but ok.  She started feeling bad again Monday night, and made the comment that she should just put herself out misery and kill herself.  We tried not to make a serious deal about it and tried to cheer her up.

This morning, she woke up feeling horrible!  Congested cough, runny nose….just yucky!  She woke up yelling and crying (the way we all wish we could if we feel really bad) and then said she was just going to kill herself, so she didn’t have to deal with being sick anymore.  She walked into the kitchen, grabbed one of my steak knives, and told me, “you better not take it away from me!”  I did anyways.  I calmed her down and promised her I would get her some stronger medicine for her cough.  I had Allison come down and keep an eye on Sarah while I ran to the store for Sarah’s medicine (I grabbed all the sharp knives and hid them in the garage before I left).  She was much better, emotion-wise, by this time.  Back to her normal, happy self.

However, we had a psychologist appt. scheduled for 1pm today.  I had to tell her what had happened.  She and the psychiatrist (and I) knew it was time to hospitalize Sarah.  I knew it was coming.  It was a necessary thing.  She cried and cried, telling us she was sorry, she promised she wouldn’t do it again, etc., but I know that as soon as we got home and something “bad” happened, it could happen again, and I may not be lucky enough to stop her.  Maybe she wouldn’t really do it, but I didn’t want to find out. 

This has been one of the hardest days of my life.  I know it was the right thing to do, though.  I want my baby to get better.  I want her to be safe.  I want her to be ok.  I want her to be with us to see us grow old.

Please keep her and us in your prayers as we enter this time of healing for all of us.  She is hopefully going to be back home with us within a week.  I know this is going to be a long road, though.  We do get to go visit her every day, as long as she is staying with the program.  They are teaching her how to better cope with life’s difficulties and stresses.  Pray for Allison, too—this is a long time to be without her sister—they’ve never been apart for more than a night.  Unfortunately, Allison is not old enough to go visit Sarah, unless we can get special permission.

Sorry this is so long—I wish I could say all of this in person or over the phone, but I am too emotionally drained to tell the story out loud again right now.  I know you’ll be praying with and for us!